When Being Overweight Holds You Back

Nobita from Find Your Love In Japan found my Overweight in Japan video I made a while back, and has featured it and interviewed me via Skype for some videos of his. He wants to emphasize how weight shouldn’t hold you back from enjoying Japan, from dating in Japan.

“Trust me, your size does NOT matter in Japan. The person who cares about your size is ONLY YOU. I know you can’t believe this, but in reality, You are actually very attractive. I’m 100% sure about that. I really hope foreign women don’t hold themselves back in Japan.” – Nobita

He’s trying to drive across the message that size is not an issue.

It shouldn’t hold you back from travelling to Japan. It shouldn’t leave you with regrets that something could have been so much more.

Yet it still does. 

When I look back at that weepy video I did (which will probably haunt me forever, I can’t bring myself to watch it again) it seems like such a silly thing doesn’t it.

A lot of comments agree.

It’s not being fat that is the issue they all say. It is INSECURITIES that are the problem.

“You’re not really fat! You are just insecure!” 
“Fat people just like to blame others for their problems. They’re just lazy and don’t care about themselves”

But where do these insecurities stem from?

From being OVERWEIGHT. 

From how body size is portrayed in the media.

From watching plus size female comedians in Japan being the butt of jokes and laughed at (many times related to their weight).

From being told you are ugly because you look a certain way.

From the branding that fat is a bad word.

From the lack of positive role models.

From being unable to love yourself.

It’s not easy to be positive.

I am scared to do things because I am overweight.

My insecurities about my weight have prevented me from trying new things because I think I’ll be judged for it. People will stare and laugh – hah, look at that fat person. What, she wants to do -activity name-? I don’t think the equipment can handle her weight!

It’s easy to tell someone not to give a fuck.

It’s easy to say you won’t care what others think.

But when you’ve been dealing with it for years sometimes it’s easier to listen to that voice laughing at you and just curling into a ball and feeling stupid for wanting different.

Having too much time on my hands inevitably leads me to overthink even more than I already do and it also fosters the perfect environment for wallowing in self pity and for the insecurities to hit home even harder than usual. It’s even worse since coming back to Singapore has perpetuated a sedentary lifestyle that had been developing in Japan when my school schedule was sporadic to the point where I only had to leave my room 2 times a week.

Now in Singapore the train station is less than 5 minutes away. The bus stop is just downstairs. Walking is beyond minimal, averaging 3000 steps a day when in Japan it was 10,000 or more daily. Coupled with Singapore’s terrible weather that makes everything a chore and the lack of freedom being back entails.

Most days have developed into routine. Look into mirror. Hate everything I see. Put something on. Hate everything I see. Throw something else on. Also hate it. Realise that everything will look terrible since it’s a terrible base to start with. So fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. just echoes over and over.

Me: what a disgusting fat fuck you are
Also Me: fat then fat lo

Me: everyone is going to judge me cause i’m fat
Also Me: fuq it let them see my fat ass struggling wtv

Swinging between each pendulum of self loathing and trying to be positive is draining. I hate myself even more because it feels like it has spiraled out of control, like nothing is going right. Nothing is going to improve. That all I’ve said and thought is nothing but hypocrisy.

Some days it feels like everything is swallowed up in negativity and nothing can save it, while some days I just want to fight back harder and embrace it and stop letting these insecurities get the better of me.

This is my reality.

I don’t take much pictures anymore. I started trying to force myself to go out and walk, attempt to jog. Actively cutting carbs, cooking more. Telling myself I can do this.

Break out of the cycle.

Stop letting your weight hold you back.

It’s so silly isn’t it? Being scared to enter a gym. Being scared to squeeze between tables to get to a seat at an eatery. Being scared to browse things in shops.

But it doesn’t feel silly when you think it. When you begin to limit yourself from things consciously or unconsciously.

It’s easy isn’t it – sitting at home and typing this.

But sometimes this makes it easier to cope with. To deal with when you see the words in writing. Thoughts are fleeting, simply pushed to the back of the mind, deleted. But words, words carry more weight.

I’ve tried before and failed. This time, or at least one time, I want to try and succeed.

And then there can be a post titled “How I overcame being overweight”. Hah.

Till next time,

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