New Chapter(s)

2016 has been an okay year and somehow it’s passed by so fast I don’t even remember what happened at the start of it and when I think back I realise I started the year still in Japan and now I’m back in Singapore for good (at least for the foreseeable next few years). I can’t remember what I did for new years or Christmas.

Oh it seems I watched Kohaku Uta Gassen, got a pizza then lay on the floor and cried while eating bread. Fitting.

But a lot more has happened than I actually realise:

  • I finished my undergrad thesis (through so many meltdowns and anxiety attacks) and submitted it on 7 Jan.
  • Then two months later I Graduated from University on 18 March.
  • Applied for Grad School and got accepted into NUS

and you know, small other things like the end of a relationship, having to go back into the dating pool then deciding guys are generally jerks and leaving, took a part time job at a relatively small company then quit a while later due to terrible office politics, making new friends, getting closer to existing friends, saying goodbye to a BFF who moved away for work, having to adapt back to SG life…

It’s so surreal because my life was Japan, Japan, Japan for so long that having to come back and now I’m feeling the disconnect from life in Singapore. I did a curating stint on the hellofrmsg twitter for a bit and reading my now SG filled timeline made me think and realise I don’t really know SG outside of my small social circle. I go to r/Singapore and I don’t know how to reply to questions there. I read what fellow Singaporeans are writing and I feel left behind sometimes.

I also feel stuck in ennui.

After quitting that part time job (I submitted notice the day NUS emailed me) it’s just been chilling and taking things easy. I started playing Animal Crossing and L4D2, and recently been playing Crush Crush, an idle dating sim for lack of a game to play to keep me entertained.

I reached 1,000 subscribers on YouTube early this year and then went inactive for six months and counting. I’m at 1,400 now and chances are I’ll get to 1,500 before anything else is posted.

It feels like I’m half-assing it which is a disservice to the viewers.

I have video footage that will probably never go on YouTube because it either contains people I no longer associate with, parts are missing, or they were shot so badly my terrible editing skills probably can’t save it.

But I do enjoy vlogging. I enjoy videos. I’m just not good at them and too concerned with how I present myself.

I just sent back some online shopping I did because the clothes were either too small or too big (even though all tagged the same size) and I love online retailers but not being able to try on clothes physically makes me sad. There are so few options and it’s so difficult to find clothes in the style I like.

You can argue that every person has difficulty shopping because of the large variety of body types and combinations of problem areas but it is still easier to find clothes if you tend to fit the most commonly available sizes that clothing lines tailor to. At either end of the spectrum you lose – too petite, too rotound, too tall, too muscular yada yada yada.

Ice cream and food was my comfort in emotional times this year so now some of my favorite clothing pieces don’t fit and now dressing up becomes a problem of “what clothes do I have left that don’t show my disgusting fats?”.

So I should take this time off before school starts to get my shit back together, right?

Cannot just keep waiting for motivation, need to start forcing myself to do things.

I have been watching vlogs on YouTube to try and get a sense of how to edit my own vlogs. Let’s see if I get it together enough to start the new series I want to start maybe next year.

Hmm.

P.S. Anusthing is possible – my queen of snakes just ssssslayed this year and I am so happy.

Till next time,
xoxo
Bernie

2 comments

  1. alexis attacks says:

    I feel the same!!! The disconnection is real 🙁 I studied abroad (Canada) for the past 5 years of my life. I was barely 17 when I left Singapore. I did high school and university there, literally built a new life all by myself there and now that I’ve chosen to come back to Singapore… I feel lonely :< the friends from secondary school have new friends and I know it won't ever be the same again. Time waits for no man and I've missed out so much while I was gone ;-; is the experience worth it, I ask myself all the time… but who has time for regrets amirite? SIGH, it's 2:17am and I'm binge reading your blog – gotta say thanks for keeping me company when my head is clouded with negative thoughts and sleepless nights.

    • Bernie Low says:

      Sending you big big big hugs!!! I kept in contact with my closest SG friends but I can count them with my hands so life back in SG can be tough ;-;

      But i still think the overseas experience was worth it!!!

      friends come and go a lot, and it’s not easy to make new friends but you will!

      stay strong and you can do it <3

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