Control (and an ode to a friend)

Last night I was hit by a wave of melancholy that lasted a good 15? 20 minutes? and I lay down as I stared at the blank ceiling and felt confusion as the hot tears flowed and flowed and flowed. I questioned why why why was this happening and wiped them away as another few slid down my cheeks. I watched food videos, scrolled Facebook, twitter, but it made me increasingly empty and the sadness echoed ever more so.

I googled a shouting into the void phrase that popped up in my head which made me feel even more terrible and I just let the feeling wash over me as I sunk deeper into the melancholy.

why why why

Somehow I managed to sleep – a nothingness and when I awoke the lethargy crashed all over me again and the sluggish day began. “Good morning :)” read a text and a faint smile. Maybe today will get better. I still wanted to know why why why. I felt drained, physically and emotionally.

Friday saw me down with a 38.3 degree fever and my first “sleep paralysis” and hypochondriac induced panic. I had been flung into a hysteria upon experiencing something like sleep paralysis when I tried to sleep after taking my cold/flu meds. My limbs felt numb, like I was losing feeling in them and if I feel asleep I feared losing any control over them at all. It felt like my consciousness was being concentrated only in my torso and I had to keep physically moving my limbs to remind myself they were still there and I flew into the panic and started crying and crying and crying Will I Be Okay I Need To Be Okay I Will Be Okay and crying and crying. I had to sit up and force myself to fight the drowsiness for fears sleep would rob me of something.

I calmed down eventually until yesterday’s sadness attack possibly triggered by a vast variety of emotionally draining issues, on top of how being ill was draining me physically. I barely ate and even when my body was sending me pangs of hunger I couldn’t bring myself to eat, I was getting used to the feeling of being hungry and in the back of my mind I was hearing this small voice echo how I could get used to this constant hunger.

On another note:

farewell

Unofficially saying goodbye yesterday could have been a trigger. Could have. Maybe that was it. Sherilyn is JET-ting off at the end of this week and it is saying bye bye to a Makan-kaki, to a best friend, to someone who understands me and someone who knows the best things to say.

We ate at Dian Xiao Er, shared the roast duck, kai lan and hot plate tofu. Laughed ourselves silly with conversation and ended up sitting at an open rooftop area by a library. Just lepaking, as we’d say in Singlish, and I didn’t know when I’d last felt such unbridled joy.

“Isn’t it nice that you can just lepak at a place like this? I’m going to miss this in Japan.”

It was fun catching up, with people who know you, who you can be yourself around.

“Are you sure you want to post that on snapchat with that terrible laughter?” and Sherilyn chimed in with a “OH I have an audio recording of an even worse laugh!” and I vaguely remembered when it was recorded.

Sherilyn and I became friends due to our mutual love of Japan, via a Facebook message she’d sent me seemingly out of the blue. She saw a comment a mutual friend posted either about me or on a post I made and said hi. We began chatting and met at the Fall Out Boy meet and greet, which turned out to be way more eventful than we could have imagined.

Two? years later and it’s hard to imagine that there was a life, a time, before I knew Sherilyn with how seamlessly she’s been integrated into the routine of my life. Isn’t it also crazy how now I’m back in SG from Japan now she’s off on her own journey in Japan, the land that connected the two of us?

It’s going to be a whirlwind of a journey and it’s going to be great, and you’re gonna be great.

I’ll miss you Sherilyn!!

All my love, live long and prosper.

Bernie

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