What is ‘beanmylife’?

I was reading another blog, and also remembered what Sherilyn said to me the other day, about how she misses how I used to write about life in Japan in general. How I used to blog about outings and things that happened.

Then today it struck me that why I enjoy reading some blogs so much is because it’s like a personal record of what life is – what you did, what you achieved, how you felt at that point in time, and reading back about it is the best kind of nostalgia. Because you can see what you’ve written and reflect on it, remember what Bernie of 6 months ago or 2 years ago wrote, and where you are now. Is it for better or worse? Have you grown?

A lot of my posts in 2012 were filled with angst and sadness. Sometimes 2016 me is very, very sad or angry too but it feels like I am in a better place to handle things hopefully more maturely. Because it is true that everything that has happened is just experience points that go to helping you figure out the best way for you to live life.

I still like writing more informative posts but I feel like somewhere along the way maybe I lost what it meant to have this blog, what ‘beanmylife’ meant. I wanted to write ‘articles’ so people would come and read, wanted to focus on things that would bring in page views…but then along the way I just never felt like writing sometimes. It was a drag, and so many posts remain as drafts for months and months.

I felt disheartened that no one was reading any personal ‘update’ posts, but I realised then when I went back to read the blog I felt sad that I hadn’t written more. How so many memories just remained in my head and weren’t in words so I could remember them better. That maybe I should be writing for myself. I’ll read these posts and remember again the happy times. The sad times. The boring times. Being honest in words to help myself grow and be honest to myself too. And also so that next time when I go back and read my old posts I can smile and think hey, I remember this. Oh yes, this was great too! Well, at least now you know better and won’t make this mistake again. You know, things like that.

So I am just going to write now.

In March I graduated from university. I had a ‘graduation trip’ from Osaka up to Tokyo. Typical graduation trip stuff, moving up from Osaka to Kyoto to Nagoya to Tokyo. It was fun, but it wasn’t the graduation trip I wanted. Travelling with family creates so many restrictions. It was difficult to meet up with friends, difficult to schedule things I wanted. Having to compromise what you want to do with what the group wants to do. Never got to say goodbye properly to a band I like and wish I could have supported more, been a better fan of. I did get to attend GACKT’s Last Visualive of which I am very grateful. It was a wonderful show.

But it was also this trip that cemented the end of my relationship. I was tired and I didn’t want to work at ‘fixing’ things. Didn’t see a future together, I lost all tolerance and just wanted it to be over. I was done with our differences, frustrated (angry even) in certain actions and behaviours. I decided it would be too much work and I didn’t think it would be worth it. They say travelling with someone reveals their true colours and it’s true. So a while after getting back to Singapore it was time to say goodbye. That’s the end of that chapter, but even bigger so, the more heart breaking part was having to say goodbye to Japan.

I hated Singapore so much for the month or so after being back. I hated being back. Hated being stuck with obligations. Hated not being able to choose what I wanted to do freely. Hated having to be responsible and having to stay here when I was happier in Japan. Sure, I had troubles in Japan but they were my troubles. They weren’t coming from obligation, from responsibility. I felt like there were shackles and anchors forcing me to stay in this country when all I wanted to do was stay in Japan for longer, so I could be free. So now I’m back, still trying to get my mind around staying in Singapore for the next couple of years. It’s not so much hating the country, but what staying here represented. I can’t live the way I want to anymore, I have to live for others, have to think about family, can’t just live for myself and do what I want to do. I hate it so much because I couldn’t just stay at home and be a shut in without being screamed at, threatened, humiliated or crying, crying, crying. My social media feeds were engulfed in a horribly emotionally anguish state filled with angry post after post.

Not everyone has the privilege of pursuing happiness because of our responsibilities and obligations.

People ask me if I’m happy to be back, or when they say, oh that’s good that you decided to stay. It’s better. But better for who? So being an adult means sacrificing bits of yourself for the ‘greater good’.

I’m very unhappy with the state of a lot of things. My Japanese has plateaued so badly, I have no motivation to study for N1, nor believe I will ever reach that. I see my peers in their new jobs, it looks like they’re improving but I’m doing nothing but slide back, back, back. I haven’t been able to successfully do things properly or see things through. So many failed ventures, ideas, thoughts. Friendships that never came to fruition because I didn’t put in enough effort, because I didn’t try, because I didn’t see the need to, didn’t want to. So I just resign myself to just never being a good friend, to everyone eventually forgetting me. Blaming others when really I’m probably just a bad friend. I can’t keep up conversations, I’m probably not great to talk to. How come I can talk to some people everyday without fail yet with others I can’t even keep a conversation going for 10 minutes?

When I just want to do nothing but then get bored of doing nothing. I am a boring person.

Maybe finally, time for happy things? I finally started watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and I love it. Binged watched it, got spoiled for the Season 8 winner (so angry). Got to go to the Pokemon Cafe opening event. Starting the new part time job on Monday.

But I feel like I’m just stuck in a limbo of inertia. Some friends seem to just have so many people to talk to, is so well liked, has such a great love life. But it’s okay. I count the close friends I have with my hands and just feel like I’m stranded and doing nothing nothing nothing all day. I want to make new close friends, but I don’t even talk to the people I used to be close to, the people I already know. So what’s the point.

I guess I’ll try and look back at my photos and write about the happy times I remember. So that I won’t forget and can read back and smile. Recall when things were happy.

2 comments

Leave a Reply