Last December I took the JLPT N1 and failed terribly. I did prepare, by doing reading comprehension exercises but I am not the biggest fan of studying and did not work on my weak points – vocabulary and grammar. I wasn’t very focused on the day itself and so many things went wrong. I stressed myself out, I made mistakes and overall that amounted to failing by 12 points.
For the N1, you need a score of 100/180 to pass, but of that 100 points, you must get at least 19 in each category if not you will fail. This means that if you get 60 for Listening, but only 15 for Grammar/Vocab and 30 for Reading, even though you get 105 overall, you still fail.
This was my score:
Vocab/Grammar: 17/60, C and B respectively
It’s terrible isn’t it? So here is some public shaming so I will constantly be reminded of how atrociously I did. A reminder of what a failure I am.
I was quite a wreck last year.
I borrowed a digital watch from a friend since I don’t own any watches, but didn’t know that it beeped every hour. Which is not allowed and doing something against the rules could get me kicked out. It happened the first time which made me all ?!?!? and the invigilator looked in my direction and I panicked. So I made sure that before the next hour, I smothered the watch with my hands/sweater sleeve so the sound wouldn’t come out.
I just couldn’t focus either. I heard the pages getting flip, flip, flipped so fast and yet I was stuck there on page one and I felt useless. I tried reading the passages but I couldn’t understand anything, I couldn’t even read one paragraph without feeling like the words were melding together. The room felt like it was spinning and it was too warm.
Excuses, excuse. I just wasn’t properly prepared and I thought I was going to fail.
Yet this year isn’t any better. I’ve barely studied (never opened any textbooks) this year, I have no more Japanese classes, I don’t even have people to actively and regularly converse in Japanese with anymore. I fumble and make the smallest mistakes in conversation.
I can’t translate lyrics, I can’t translate articles. I do a crap job at interpreting. I feel so useless and stagnant with Japanese.
People write blog posts in Japanese, make YouTube videos in Japanese but I stopped trying, didn’t start trying. Why? Because it’s more difficult, requires more effort and because I am a fundamentally lazy person. Too lazy.
Me: I want to get N1 before I graduate university!
Me: but studying is hard
Me: I don’t like studyinggggggg
Me: can I give up
I have no motivation.
Me: I want to lose weight!
Me: But exercising is hard
Me: I give up
I opened my grammar textbook, which I bought months ago, for the first time, and after the first page I closed it and went whining on FB and twitter. Oh, and now here too.
I watched a couple of Jenny Silver’s Japanese IRL vocabulary videos. But that’s not enough.
I feel like my progress with Japanese has become stagnant. Worse, it’s going in the opposite direction. I was doing good back in 2013. In 2014 I kept blaming my school for sticking me in a class too easy for me but there is always self studying and I did none of it.
It’s 2015 and the situation is even worse.
It’s going to be 4 years since I started learning Japanese and I have squat to show for it.
How do the people who learn the language in a year and take classes in it cope? I wish I’d forced myself out of my comfort zone more.
All those regrets. I am so lazy and I should be studying now but I don’t want to so I wrote this post instead.
I am the worst.
Hopefully I at least study so I won’t fare worse than last year this time.