Sometimes I look at the search terms that brought people to my blog and I’ve had “i am fat and ugly” and variants pop up a couple times. It pains me to think there are other people out there, thinking those horrible things I did (do) and throwing it into that google search bar.
But I know the feeling – when I go downstairs in my sweatpants and no makeup I feel like the others at the dorm are judging me. Though I’ve not stopped going down in my jammies to cook (when you’re hungry you’re hungry) but I choose the times when there are less people around in hopes of getting the kitchen all to myself.
I don’t like going out. I feel horrible when I think I’ve eaten too much, or when I “give in” and decide to eat a snack. The other day when I was at the arcade trying out a ufo machine for chocolate, when the staff asked me “Oh, do you like chocolate?”, I replied “Yes!” but inside, I was saying “Looking at my size that’s an obvious answer, isn’t it?”
I post pictures of only my face and torso so you cant actually see how fat I am
When I feel horrible I message the boy going “I AM SO FAT!! :(” or when he tells me he’s gone playing squash or done push ups cause he wants to look nice for me and I feel bad for not doing anything. Today I saw an article saying “How to start running again after a long break” and I want an article instead for “How to start running when you are a lazy pig” because everyone is just like “just exercise!”, “go run!” and I look at them and think but it’s not easy….I…but…how?
I don’t know why but I run out of motivation, steam, whatever you call it really fast.
When I browsed male jackets at H&M I thought I could feel the stares on me – what is a girl doing…oh look at her, no wonder. I still don’t enter Japanese boutiques – or when I do, I make a beeline for the accessories or leave in 5 minutes. Y’know, cause nothing will fit me…so I shan’t look and embarrass myself, haha.
Some days I think I look fine and then I catch my reflection in a mirror – oh dear me, I look like a lump of fats. Yeah, it’s another one of those posts again, huh.
But some days I dress up and feel pretty damn awesome and then I actually look good in photos, what an achievement y’know! On the most unexpected days too!
Then I think it’s okay, hey, I had fun, what matters is that I think I look good!
Fat shouldn’t be a bad, or ‘ugly’ word.
Which I’ve been trying to tell myself, so I understand and learn to believe it. You know, some days I tell myself that heck, you know what! I shall be a Singaporean plus size social media influencer! Most of the Big Names in Singapore are svelte, thin women who model for blogshops, clothing lines and post OOTD photos looking amazing. Even influencers who aren’t thin…but they’re not actually fat or plus size at all! (But then I tell myself that it won’t work because no one will like me to read what I write anyway – most of you are here for the stuff about Japan, right?)
I was very disappointed with Clicknetwork TV’s Budget Barbie Plus Size Shopping episode because….their guest, Jemma, isn’t plus sized. Most plus sized people cannot walk into boutiques like they did, and grab things off the racks because they just don’t fit us! There are now more wonderful boutiques that cater specifically to plus size fashion (YAY!) but y’know, misleading video, much? I was hoping for more shopping haunts other than F21, H&M and the like but it didn’t quite help!
I do love Aarti Olivia, whose blog, Curves Become Her, has an absolutely fabulous collection of outfits she has styled and she’s so open and honest about her life! Major respect. I do love Shiberty’s weight loss posts too, and she looks amazing but sometimes it’s more of wistful reading because hey, I don’t have slimming sponsors and I’m just as fat now haha. I don’t know where and how to start shedding those pounds!
Sometimes when I decide I want to eat that ice cream, I tell myself it’s okay. I am okay the way I am. If I want to lose weight, that’s fine. If I don’t, hey that is fine too!
It’s not like all the insecurities will magically go away but it’s okay to not give a care in the world and feel like a princess just because you are one. If people can’t see it, that’s their loss.
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