The other day I was sitting in the toilet at work and I had a terrible stomach ache but also a terrible fear of having someone else in the toilet preventing me from dealing with the pressing and increasingly horrible stomach ache I’d been trying to hold in most of the morning. That moment, I decided I was being horribly stupid because it was a dire moment and feeling embarrassed about it was ridiculous because everyone has to use the toilet for natural bodily functions.
It’s something my friend Sherilyn terms “Public Shitting Anxiety” which, is among one of the many ridiculous things I have due to my tendency to be overly paiseh (embarrassed) or insecure about everything.
I cannot say certain things in person to people, not even my closest friends, that I have to switch to texting. I’ve had skype conversations where it’s literally us texting each other and staring at our phones while also staring at each other staring at our phones on a computer screen. It’s….just….I can’t believe myself sometimes.
I don’t want to be the first person to initiate conversation in a group chat or comment or say anything because I think whatever I have to say is stupid or people will judge me so I don’t say anything at all. Some people call me stuck up because of that, or just uninterested and rude but no, it’s also because I have no idea what to say or don’t want to say something stupid because I’m not sure about it (cue bad memory of times I said the wrong thing and then kept thinking about it days later because OH NO WHY WAS I SO STUPIDDDDDD UGHHHH).
This is why I don’t make friends easily. Well, in person anyway. I can type through phones or online rather fine because there is this wonderful thing called GOOGLE to help check what I want to say or pull up that thing I was thinking about but can’t quite remember the name for. Hey, people can’t see what I look like all they have are my words and yeah, I can deal with interaction via letters on a screen.
Which also leads me to my various insecurities and how I overthink everything like
1) oh no the theme is all black but my shirt has white words on it oh nooooooo i can’t wear that can I?
2) oh no what if everyone at my work place is skinny and they all hate me cause i’m fat
3) oh no my clothes are so ugly brb hermit life starts now
4) oh no no one at work will like me no one will talk to me
5) oh no who will eat lunch with me will i have to eat alone everyday
6) oh no did i order too much for lunch everyone is going to judge me
7) oh no i am so ugly no one will be my friend
8) oh no i spelt something wrong in that email oh no boss is going to fire me
9) oh no i forgot to do something oh no i am going to be fired now
11) oh no i got scolded for doing something i am not worthy of living
you know, everyday things like that coupled with constantly worrying about the state of my skin and splotchy-ness, if my clothes are worn correctly, if I am smelly (I wear deodorant even in autumn/winter lol), if I look ugly in photos….basically worrying over every. single. thing.
Good job. When people don’t reply in a group convo after I say something I then decide to never say anything ever again.
But it’s really so stressful and frustrating and sometimes after you decide to SCREW IT I can’t take it anymore and just go for it things don’t turn out as bad as you think they will. I still think about all these things all the damn time (sigh) but after I get comfortable enough or scold myself (or remember being scolded by friends etc) that I’m being silly it’s time to just…LET IT GO.
Literally. When in the toilet, y’know. Still having bad cases of Public Shitting Anxiety but when nature calls you just can’t hold it back anymore.
P.S. Yes I know people reading this blog are more interested in Japan than these silly thoughts of mine so I will try to update with more Japan-centric stuff. Soon. I guess. Hopefully.