I am fat and ugly 

30 minutes ago I stood on a scale and the number that I saw was the largest that I’d seen in my life and as I looked and it, I hated myself. Even more than usual.

Because I always thought I was fat but I wouldn’t go over this certain weight threshold I’d stayed at for the past 5, 6 years. Until today. And I hate that number and I hate myself for letting it get to that number.

I made this YouTube Video about being Overweight in Japan and for a while after that I was okay. I was happy accepting who I was and thankful to all the wonderful comments. I replied saying thank you, that it helped and now I don’t mind so much but I am a Big Fat Liar. (Haha, literally) I still hate myself and when I look in the mirror I still see that ugly person and don’t understand how I can think otherwise.

I’m scared to meet new people, to go for interviews, to introduce myself thinking I’ll be judged for my weight. “Why do all the other employees look so skinny and amazing? I guess I can’t work here then.” And the first thing I think about after meeting someone new is that I guess now they know just how fat and yucky I am they won’t be my friend anymore.

It sounds stupid doesn’t it? But that’s all I end up thinking about. I have to tell myself I’m Fabulous, have to hear it from others to reassure myself so I don’t spiral down into a dark hole of misery. Maybe I’m already there.

I look at other big people, people bigger than me and think “I don’t want to be like that, ever.” But I am that person, and I hate myself. I am that fat girl everyone looks at and goes “Yuck! I don’t want to be like her, look how she let herself go.” The joke is on me, and I’ll go look at a mirror and jab at the disgusting flabby rolls of fat I have and tell myself how fat and ugly I am.

The other day on my flight back I was sat next to a couple, and the lady was much bigger than I was and I was silently commentating in my head, judging, and making snide remarks if only to make myself feel better. “She is so fat how does he put his arm around her?” I wondered, then realized what a hypocrite I was being. Here I was talking about how fat shaming is bad and yet here I am doing exactly that. I am a Big Fat Hypocrite.

When I said I thought being big meant I didn’t deserve love my friends sent me angry messages, people gave me encouraging comments but sometimes I still think that. Even though now I have a boyfriend who tells me how pretty I am, how much he loves me everyday and that I should be confident about myself. I want to but it’s not easy when I still hate how I look in the mirror. When I don’t believe anything he says because I can’t find it in myself to love me as much as I should.

I still remember that first time after we first got together when he said he actually preferred skinnier girls and I thought there it was – I knew it, I was right, no one will ever love me I should have never tried because I will forever be alone. I was really broken up about it for a while, no, maybe I’m still thinking about that. (He’s learned not to say anything about my weight anymore haha)

Why why why why why. Why am I so fat? Why am I so ugly? Why I am so lazy? Why am I not doing anything about it?

So many questions but at the end of the day it’s all my fault, isn’t it? I am a fat blob who hates herself yet isn’t doing anything to change.

I don’t like shopping, I dreaded going shopping with Planet when she was in Japan because I knew nothing would fit me so I didn’t bother trying. I looked at the clothes and deep down I knew I liked them, realized I was projecting my hatred toward my Fat self onto the clothes. Because if I couldn’t wear them, then I’d hate them so I could feel better about myself.

I watched My Mad Fat Diary and it is one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. I know how the protagonist (Rae Earl) feels, her insecurities are my insecurities and yet she’s managed to do so well. I watched Hairspray and sang along and rooted for Tracy Turnblad and how both her Rae got that dreamy handsome guy and I tell myself it’s only because it’s a show – a lie made so we’d think that someone big can have a happy ending. Haha, I think, lies.

But I am a Big Fat Liar too, clinging on to that and wishing that it is true, that there is hope for me. I am not a complete failure, that it is okay for me to be like this and still be normal.

I am going to look at that scale and continue to hate the number it shows me, hate the person standing on that scale, and watch video after video, write post after post if only just to alleviate the pain for a short, short while.

I am fat and ugly and I need people to tell me I am not in order to feel better.

And I just ate an unhealthy breakfast.

I am the worst.

12 comments

  1. Charles Hayward says:

    Arghhh, so many things I want to say, but I don’t want to hit you with sugary fluff.

    This is a tough, tough, tough thing to deal with, and it’s something I still struggle with when I catch myself in a reflection or see myself in the mirror. My worth, though, isn’t defined by my chins or my belt size, at least not for me. I’d encourage you to look at your videos, your posts, your published content on other sites and look at those accomplishments that say more about you. I’d encourage you to think about the extremely positive impact you have on people — myself included — when you’ve only met them once or not really at all. You are worth more than anything a scale can tell you.

    Still, those are platitudes, aren’t they? The only real advice I can offer you — the things that have worked for me to silence the self-hate beast — is to take time to find your center, and take time to do that everyday. When you get up in the morning, tell yourself one thing that’s great about Bernie (Better yet, write it down). Consider meditating, if only for five minutes a day, to let these thoughts process and flow through your head.You shouldn’t need to change what you look like nor should anyone tell you you can’t or shouldn’t feel a certain way, but you can find healthy ways to command those parts of yourself.

    Hang in there, my friend.

  2. valeriepocky says:

    Hi there 🙂 I’m just a random stranger that happened to bump into your amazing blog x) Like you I’m also Singaporean, but I’m studying in Australia and learning Japanese (Japan is awesome woohoo)

    I know I’m not really in a position to be giving advice.. but don’t let a number or what other people think of you, define you or your outlook on life-there’s much much more to life than that ! (And honestly, in your photos- you are gorgeous ^o^). Sometimes, I too have bad days where I feel really negative of myself, what I look, what I wear, how others see me,and yeah the feeling really sucks bad x( But if you think about it, what makes you truly feel better is self-acceptance. I realised that if we learn to accept our outward appearance, soon enough we will be able to understand ourselves inwardly, and eventually come to an acceptance of others as well 🙂

    Cheer up and have a nice week~~

    From your new fan !

    Valerie :)))

  3. Iam Barrenger says:

    Next time you go to the mirror, do a great wide happy smile and analyse that for a change.
    Ugly has no part in that what so ever.
    Write smile on the mirror if you need a reminder each time you are there.

  4. Passerby says:

    I don’t usually leave comments but I think you’re gorgeous and the biggest thing about you is your personality! 🙂 Chin up!

  5. Ailsa Kemp says:

    Wow. This was so hard to read because I can relate to SO many points you’ve made.

    I think the hardest thing is that we judge each other so harshly but I find I’m even worse on myself- we are our own worst critics and I know I personally think much nastier things about myself than anyone has ever said.

    But it’s not how other people see you- because when I look at you, I’m not seeing the list you’ve described 😊

    • Bernie Low (beanmylife) says:

      :”D Thank you for such a kind comment.

      That is true, we judge and think such horrible things about ourselves and it’s just so hard to accept how we look. I think it’s time I started actually listening to what people say and not being so tough and mean haha <3

      • Ailsa Kemp says:

        Yeah but that little voice in your head is really hard to shut up! I think the hardest thing I found personally was that it took a really long time – definitely not an overnight change where you will love yourself… heck, I’m not all the way there because everyone has their crummy days but start small – give yourself one compliment on one aspect – your eyes, nose, smile, legs, feet, sense of humour, eyes or even boobs 🙂

  6. Jamal Mahmoud says:

    Do you have what it takes to change your life. Do you really want to make a difference that effects your world in a progressive way? I remember that I was at 265 pounds. I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror. Good clean diet was the agenda of the day. No more fast food, no more just eating what I desired. I would lose some battles, but I never lost the war. No more excuses that we have cheap gym memberships. Or there is not too many gym locations in my locale.

    Best-time-to-workout: Now

    The war within can be damaging to the mind and body. We all make choices everyday, rather we acknowledge them or not. When we decide to smoke cigarettes, we are damaging our bodies. When we decide to consume alcohol, we are damaging our bodies. When we decide to eat junk food, we are essentially– damaging our bodies. When we consume toxins are bodies cannot deal with easy workout or hard work.

    Finish reading the blog:

    http://www.gymhub.com/will-you-win/

  7. Missy says:

    Hi there! I’m just an random girl who found this blog,your article really spoke to me cause I can relate in so many ways,I also struggle with my body image,there is many days I just go without eating until it becomes unbearable. We aren’t that different 😊 And yet judging by your photo your quit beautiful to me,I can’t find anything wrong with you ❤️

    Keep your chin up girl!

Leave a Reply