30 minutes ago I stood on a scale and the number that I saw was the largest that I’d seen in my life and as I looked and it, I hated myself. Even more than usual.
Because I always thought I was fat but I wouldn’t go over this certain weight threshold I’d stayed at for the past 5, 6 years. Until today. And I hate that number and I hate myself for letting it get to that number.
I made this YouTube Video about being Overweight in Japan and for a while after that I was okay. I was happy accepting who I was and thankful to all the wonderful comments. I replied saying thank you, that it helped and now I don’t mind so much but I am a Big Fat Liar. (Haha, literally) I still hate myself and when I look in the mirror I still see that ugly person and don’t understand how I can think otherwise.
I’m scared to meet new people, to go for interviews, to introduce myself thinking I’ll be judged for my weight. “Why do all the other employees look so skinny and amazing? I guess I can’t work here then.” And the first thing I think about after meeting someone new is that I guess now they know just how fat and yucky I am they won’t be my friend anymore.
It sounds stupid doesn’t it? But that’s all I end up thinking about. I have to tell myself I’m Fabulous, have to hear it from others to reassure myself so I don’t spiral down into a dark hole of misery. Maybe I’m already there.
I look at other big people, people bigger than me and think “I don’t want to be like that, ever.” But I am that person, and I hate myself. I am that fat girl everyone looks at and goes “Yuck! I don’t want to be like her, look how she let herself go.” The joke is on me, and I’ll go look at a mirror and jab at the disgusting flabby rolls of fat I have and tell myself how fat and ugly I am.
The other day on my flight back I was sat next to a couple, and the lady was much bigger than I was and I was silently commentating in my head, judging, and making snide remarks if only to make myself feel better. “She is so fat how does he put his arm around her?” I wondered, then realized what a hypocrite I was being. Here I was talking about how fat shaming is bad and yet here I am doing exactly that. I am a Big Fat Hypocrite.
When I said I thought being big meant I didn’t deserve love my friends sent me angry messages, people gave me encouraging comments but sometimes I still think that. Even though now I have a boyfriend who tells me how pretty I am, how much he loves me everyday and that I should be confident about myself. I want to but it’s not easy when I still hate how I look in the mirror. When I don’t believe anything he says because I can’t find it in myself to love me as much as I should.
I still remember that first time after we first got together when he said he actually preferred skinnier girls and I thought there it was – I knew it, I was right, no one will ever love me I should have never tried because I will forever be alone. I was really broken up about it for a while, no, maybe I’m still thinking about that. (He’s learned not to say anything about my weight anymore haha)
Why why why why why. Why am I so fat? Why am I so ugly? Why I am so lazy? Why am I not doing anything about it?
So many questions but at the end of the day it’s all my fault, isn’t it? I am a fat blob who hates herself yet isn’t doing anything to change.
I don’t like shopping, I dreaded going shopping with Planet when she was in Japan because I knew nothing would fit me so I didn’t bother trying. I looked at the clothes and deep down I knew I liked them, realized I was projecting my hatred toward my Fat self onto the clothes. Because if I couldn’t wear them, then I’d hate them so I could feel better about myself.
I watched My Mad Fat Diary and it is one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. I know how the protagonist (Rae Earl) feels, her insecurities are my insecurities and yet she’s managed to do so well. I watched Hairspray and sang along and rooted for Tracy Turnblad and how both her Rae got that dreamy handsome guy and I tell myself it’s only because it’s a show – a lie made so we’d think that someone big can have a happy ending. Haha, I think, lies.
But I am a Big Fat Liar too, clinging on to that and wishing that it is true, that there is hope for me. I am not a complete failure, that it is okay for me to be like this and still be normal.
I am going to look at that scale and continue to hate the number it shows me, hate the person standing on that scale, and watch video after video, write post after post if only just to alleviate the pain for a short, short while.
I am fat and ugly and I need people to tell me I am not in order to feel better.
And I just ate an unhealthy breakfast.
I am the worst.