To a new chapter in my life??????
Kind of, since I’m starting to pack up things in my apartment (ugh why do I have so much stuff) and getting ready to start
panicking thinking about graduation and life after that. I sound confident when I tell people what I plan to do till March next year, but in reality I’m really scared I’ll just be bumming around and wasting my time and life away till I graduate and then start worrying about jobs and…
haha who am I kidding first I actually have to write my thesis. Which is really not as easy as it sounds and I love my topic and what I’m writing about but sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. Or you know, when you’re sitting in an apartment that looks like the apocalypse and trying to figure out what to throw out and what to keep it’s hard to see the end point or think of reaching that end point.
Emotionally I am in a much better place than I was last semester even if a Bad Thing happened. It got resolved and everything that happened since, or has happened in my life, people have not stopped telling me how lucky I am. Which is quite true sometimes, even if it’s just small things like getting good gachapon, finding cheap adorable things on sale at H&M without intending to….
Y’know, stuff like that. And I think I am also emotionally stronger and more mature to deal with things, or that I’m learning to cope. A while back I wrote about letting go of something toxic and how I felt so much better after that. Well the thing is I never really cut ties with that person but instead just ignored the person and just thought it would make everything better. (I realise this is my coping mechanism for pretty much all my problems…which doesn’t work if you were wondering)
I thought that if I never had to see that person again in my life it would be fine. I would be fine. But a part of me isn’t because I wish I could talk about what happened, address things. The old me would just constantly run away. But I realise now that is stupid. So today, when talking online in a group conversation there arose the possibility of seeing this person again in the somewhat near future. And while I would usually be scared or just ignore it I realised that what is there to be afraid of? Nothing. I know now how everything stands, how I stand on this matter, and it’s just juvenile to ignore it and think by trying to escape things will magically make themselves better.
Last night, the boyfriend did something that made me upset (not intentionally) and I thought that the solution would be to ignore him and then somehow things would get better like he would magically understand my point of view. Which would have also meant I would have gone to sleep upset which is not a good emotion for falling asleep. (I should know haha) So I decided to talk about it – we did promise each other we’d be open about everything and not keep secrets. And everything worked out, and I feel much better about it. (Being in a relationship in your 20s vs being in one in your early teens is so different. In a very good way.)
Too much in my life I’ve kept things bottled up or talking to someone else about things instead of confronting the person I was upset with. Confrontations always go badly for me so I never wanted to have to go through them again.
Hahaha. This post, like all my posts are becoming rambly nonsense. I have so many other posts to complete! Adventures in Tokyo, what studying in a Japanese college is like, waxing lyrical about food….just ways to fill this blog with all the joy that Japan brings me.
I’m feeling really contented in life right now. It’s a good feeling.
P.S. If you’re selling things to Book Off, prepare to go there with 29 items and return with only 480yen.