Edit: first half written 27 Dec, second half 2 Jan
Nevermind that I’m 2 days late. My original plan for Christmas day was to sleep in and edit videos. Sleep in I did, waking up past 2pm, but edit videos I did not. Impromptu plans from friends to head to Kyoto for dinner celebrations and I was out the door, nevermind the 1 hour journey over.
It was great. I didn’t need presents except the company of friends and a great time. A quick chat with my Mom, the care and concern of people in another country for me, and just feeling bliss. Last year’s Christmas was rather…dismal in comparison (mainly because I was down with a bad cold and watched the entire SAW series). But I digress.
The days leading up to Christmas was also filled with joy, jumping up and down, waving glow sticks in the air and pining for handsome musicians. In high school uniforms no less. I was reminded again of how big an impact music has and has had in my life.
Many things change in the span of a year. I’ve grown in some ways, taken steps back in others, but hope that I am still finding my way in the right direction. It’s true that sometimes you won’t learn until you actually experience some lessons and while it’s caused me pain and grief, it’s been the ‘best’ way for me to actually learn and change. The opportunity and trigger for change presents itself as experience, and life is all about accumulating it, absorbing and then forging on ahead with a new perspective.
It’s difficult. But when you’re out all alone living life and having to make your own decisions you learn how difficult it is, how you took things for granted and that your parent’s warnings should not have been so casually dismissed in a fit of childish naivety.
I never completed that train of thought. I often never do, and have drafts of half written posts, half formed thoughts. Sometimes when I come back and read them I realise I don’t know anymore what I had wanted to write, that my thoughts, feelings and experiences have changed what I want to write. That I can’t put the exact same things into words a second time.
I suppose a retrospective of 2014 is in order and I could split it into two halves, one which was filled of nothing but joy and then the second half in which I was plunged into a time of melancholy (read: funk) that I’m somehow still struggling with, but am coming to terms with. I think, without going into too much detail, that I am also getting more comfortable with being alone. Needing my own personal space and private time has become something very important and essential for me, but now I need to work at balance.
Everything centers around balance, it seems. I had a lot of fun in the Spring semester, and then my lack of in Fall balanced it out. The end of the year did bring to me lots of fun and joy, spending time with friends, taking things easy. Like people say, you have to lose yourself to find yourself and this year it’s definitely happened.
Great things have happened this year too, things I am very grateful for. Both good and bad, all things attribute to experience and we learn and grow from them. (oh look, I wrote about that in the first half too. oops)
Christmas and New Years were quiet, quiet in the sense that I didn’t spend it at some huge party or club somewhere or trying to do something explosive. Instead, I spent it in the company of people important to me, and I realised that for me, that’s how I want to spend my holidays. With loved ones.
I used to think you needed to go to parties, social gatherings, do things with a blast just to have fun and welcome in the new year/holidays etc. For some yes, that’s their favourite way to do so and their way to enjoy themselves but not me, and within me, I’m realising it’s okay. I’m not a “loser” for spending Christmas alone, or for having a quiet festive time. There are no “losers” and “winners”, only people and their different ways of celebrating things. Sometimes I wished I had realised all these small things earlier, been more comfortable with myself.
At least it’s happened. I’ve learnt. I’m learning.
2015 is going to be a year where I will have to make big decisions, take charge of my life proper. It’s daunting and yet somewhat exciting. Life starts from here. Well, from when you finally take charge and grab onto and make for yourself the best version of what life can be.
Happy New Year.
I spent mine watching Kouhaku and Gaki no Tsukai with friends, laughing into the new year. And then I slept for 11 hours, letting the sunlight pass by as I curled under the covers. This year, I enter my 22nd year of existing on this planet. Let’s make it count.