Written on 3 Dec 2014:
I haven’t slept and it is almost 7am. Surprise, surprise I was writing a paper due today and it is yet unfinished (instead I came over and started typing this – ugh).
“If you give up I WILL SLAP YOU”, said the text from Tea, and multiple “aiyohs” and “don’t be so hard on yourself”s from Planet later (and other nonsensical exchanges), and I see that there is a hand trying to pull me out of this whirlpool I flung myself into.
It’s shameful how much I am having to rely on others to get myself in order – ironic how just a week ago I was talking about how Happiness has to come from within with the Aniki and we high-fived about it.
Remember how I wrote about letting go a while back? Guess what, I lied. I can’t. I won’t.
I look at the state I am in and am ashamed. “I feel like you’re losing your drive,” I was told, and painful as it is to hear, it’s true. Why am I going to school, why do I study so hard, why did I pride myself in keeping my grades up, why do I enjoy leaving the confines of my room? Last semester flew by so fast, memories of smiles, laughter, happiness. Somewhere I felt that I fit in. This semester I feel like the circle in a room of triangles. “Make new friends” I was told.
I think deep down I didn’t want to. Don’t want to.
But even as thanksgiving has passed, while something I don’t celebrate, there definitely are things for me to be thankful for. My supports back in Singapore, which without I could never have come this far. All these years I’ve known my best friends Tea and Planet, life without the two of you is unimaginable. My mother who cried and cried and cried after I left, too proud to let me see the tears, who loves me so much and only wants the best for me. I do love you, and one day hope to finally be able to say it.
To the new friends who have joined and become part of my support system, on which I rely upon and unload my burdens, thank you for listening. Here in Japan, to the Aniki who has become such a prominent figure, with whom I discuss pressing social issues and yet the next day exchange the silliest of jokes with. To everyone else in the interim who brought out my smile, thank you too. To the people who have left, all I can do is remember, as the days make our memories fade farther away, make them blur into fiction.
To the ones who left but never really left – the ones I carry with me every time I walk that same path, sit in the places we used to sit, I press replay on the mental recordings. Those days will never return. I wish they would. I miss you.
“Legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold
But you will remember me, remember me for centuries”