Floundering

I’m starting to panic. No, more like I should have started panicking a long time ago and snapped out of things. Things are going downhill. Fast.

You know the feeling of being overwhelmed like how you’re drowning in a whirlpool and trying to get out but failing? Or just drowning and letting the current pull you under? Today I wanted to sink under and never get up, to deny my reality and run, run, run far away. The trigger? The helplessness and possibility of failing or doing badly in a course (and the tarnishing of my GPA).

I admit I am in this situation based on my own accord – lack of motivation, long, continued periods of procrastination and melancholy have left me empty and lagging behind. Floundering like a fish out of water gasping to survive.

I’ve rarely been happy this semester, withdrawing even more into myself, finding supposed solace in isolation and sleep when I don’t have to think. But everything catches up to me in nightmares, no, in dreams too, where my subconscious tries to send me messages, show me my wrongs. It haunts me and I do nothing but escape.

I am sad and lonely, pretending to enjoy my solitude. I want this semester to be over. People tell me they’re worried – “Are you okay?” they ask. I shrug and say I am, the lie flows easier now.

“Are you studying hard? Must study hard ah!” my Mom says over the phone, “I love you, you know.” she says, and I choke, unable to reciprocate in words. I know, I say, and she hints at how I don’t seem too excited to go home. Rather, I don’t feel excited to do anything whatsoever.

I don’t like being in groups anymore, feeling awkward and unwanted so I shy away from any human contact as much as possible. Only emerging from my hermit shell to say hello to the few people who I feel comfortable around. It wasn’t always like this. How did it become like this?

Trying to make new connections is tiring. Saying “Hello, how are you?” and going beyond simple greetings and from acquaintances to friends and having to do that over and over when people leave and you’re left all alone. Bye, they say, and you watch as they leave with a part of you, wondering if they’ll remember you as you remember them.

Hi, someone new says, and you say Hi back, but you’re wondering about that Bye from months, weeks, days ago and in the end the new Hi also turns into another Goodbye and What If of what could have been.

Constants and variables and having to choose or deal between them. It’s tiring. I’m tired. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, I should try, I can try, but I don’t and instead mope around, escaping. Why?

Why? Why? Why? I ask, when I should be asking How.

MAGIKARP used SPLASH! But nothing happened.

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