Quarter After One

“And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now”

Just one of those days when the four walls are cold and suffocating, when you’re just too emotionally tired to deal with anything. When you just want to sit and do nothing and wait for the tide of melancholy to pass. When there is no one and nothing but your plushies so you hug them.

Two weeks ago, I had a very bad case of melancholy. I had no motivation to go to school, and even though I still submitted some assignments due and did my readings for the classes I really liked, I moped at home most of the time. I refused to be social and make new friends, refused to hang out and have fun with my existing friends. I was a mess.

I talked to my best and close friends in Singapore, to my close friends in Japan but for most of the week I was beyond miserable.

“Bernie, you’ve fallen into a funk.” and that night I ended up just talking and talking and talking and letting out all my frustrations. I was struggling in front of a wall, looking at it and wondering how to overcome it, when all along there had been a door there which I had not wanted to find and open.

I said goodbye to something that night, and slowly, I have been getting better. Because the root of the problem was not external, but internal, and having come to terms with things, cried the tears I should have shed ages ago, it was easier to move on. Months of pent up emotions, of all the denial that I had snowballed within in. All the toxins.

I pressed a button that night. Delete. And even though it’s not as if I can forget or leave it all behind but things are easier now. Life has to move on, I can’t be held back by the anchor of a fantasy.

This semester I’ve let things slip. Friendships, school, family, responsibilities, many things. Coming back to this post to complete it after having started it during one of my lowest points is somehow refreshing? I can still remember so vividly how I was drowning in my own pool of helplessness, watching as the rope dangled before me but never taking hold to pull myself out. I was singing my emotions, finding solace in the sadness of others, lyrics I could relate to.

I had to let go.

“I’m so happy you’re better now.” a close friend remarked, as we rode our bicycles and felt the wind in our hair. “I wanted to help you so badly but I couldn’t. I tried. But you had to help yourself. Look, you’re so much better now. Back to the Bernie I know.”

“We’re all fighting our own battles.”

I’m still fighting. It’s difficult to return to the past, more often than not I still run away and chose solitude, thinking it’s the better option. Staying passive and hoping for things to take a turn for the better not through my own initiative. A part of me is still clinging on to that anchor, but the other parts help ease the burden. I remember being moved by what someone said about a kite needing an anchor. It’s the anchor that allows the kite to soar to great heights because it knows that there is someone there to hold it down and reel it in.

We all need our anchors, but we don’t need dead weight.

So I tried to say goodbye.

I wonder why my greatest fear is isolation when I seek solace in solitude.

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