Which really isn’t the best thing to admit to anyone and especially not on the World Wide Web but it’s true and it’s bad and I really do need to change it. I don’t know if this is a product of being complacent or just downright laziness but it is one of the worst habits anyone can ever have not just for a student but for life.
But really, sometimes I really don’t feel enough of a sense of urgency for the Big Things and yet panic over ridiculously small things that can be solved with minimal anxiety involved. Case in point: I am travelling to Europe on Thursday and haven’t exactly done all the planning necessary nor preparations and yet here I am being all laidback and carefree about it when I should actually be getting things in order. On the other hand, I panicked about not having a fully functional printer at home to print a form necessary for a friend’s Visa application so much so that I dreamt about finding the solution to it in finding an instant print service and woke ecstatic until the realisation that it was all just a dream hit and I fell into a melancholy.
That said I suppose the main reason for my current procrastination is because I have someone who is doing all the panicking for me which is my mother. She’s constantly reminding me to get my shit together for Europe and organize myself and after years and years of relying on her to do so on my behalf I’m taking for granted she’ll do so this time too – which she isn’t because hey her little girl just turned 21-not-so-little-anymore time to start making her do things for herself. Which includes not bothering to wake me up at 8am every morning which means I am left to procure my own breakfast (usually ends in me getting brunch instead with a grumbling mother or jumping on the paus she buys back to feed her ravenous panda of a daughter).
Not to say that I don’t procrastinate when I’m in Japan and left to deal with things on my own but I’m usually more on top of things than I currently am which recently hasn’t been that great. I’m used to having my timetable memorized and classrooms down pat (not only my own but somehow remembering my friend’s schedules too) but last semester was probably my siesta from it all because for the life of me I could never remember where any of my Japanese classes were and more often than not walked into the wrong classroom.
I’m not particularly proud of that nor things I let slip and fall behind due to horrible time management and just lack of motivation to do anything whatsoever (in Japanese I would groan やる気がない!! all day) and one of the things that I feel has taking a steep dive is my Japanese language skills which are stagnating and my lack of a decent vocabulary is terrifying.
But I suppose there are always two sides to everything and Spring 2014 was one of the best times I’ve ever had and refreshed my perspective and experiences in Japan thus far. Because really, sometimes compared to the exchange students I’ve spent weekends just sitting on my butt doing literally nothing while they’ve gone off to see the beauty over yonder and then finally last semester I got a taste of that too. Peering out the window of a car with the wind blowing in my face and music blasting, friends singing Thriller at the top of their lungs, squealing at the magnificent sights and winding down just basking in the sunset…just basically (re)discovering that there is a life outside of being hikikomori and holed up all day in your room.
It was also significant in that I manged to get myself better emotionally equipped for things or to put things just very simply: Growing Up. I’ve been guilty of thinking and complaining about people having naive mindsets when I myself have too idealised notions of things which while it is fine to believe in the good in the world, it’s also good to be a bit more balanced and look out for and take care of yourself y’know?
I guess what I’m trying to say in this post is that…what am I trying to say? I don’t think I even know anymore but hey, that’s what life is, right? Not knowing enough and trying to make the best of what we do know and then living each day learning more and growing. Also why I think my “life goal” of changing なんとなく生きている→自分の手でまぶしい未来を作る is pertinent. (Basically: “anyhow just live lor” to “eh get your shit tgt pls”, in my favourite local vernacular, Singlish. Though I guess “Don’t play play” would be a more ‘iconic’ choice.)
Eh, where did my teens go? I seem to remember turning 20 as “HAHA NOW YOU’RE NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE, TIME TO GROW UP” and then throwing 12 year old fits and tantrums and trying to craft myself a Neverland and now that I’m 21 it’s turned into ugly crying and futile keyboard smashing of WAH LAO EH WHY EVERYONE DOING BETTER THAN ME AH? (more accurately punctuated with keysmash) and envy filled hours of scrolling through social media feeds and reading about prestigious internships or vacations and turning darker shades of green.
Instead of actually doing something about it. Hah.
Or saying I’ll do something then forgetting to or postponing it till I miss deadlines. Double Hah.
I should really switch majors soon.