I wrote about being lonely in my previous blog post and realise that struggling with loneliness happens all the time, with everyone, and at every point in their lives. It’s a constant struggle, of finding a place where you belong, with friends you can ‘belong with’, a group you can call home.
It’s not easy, and it took me a very, very long time to find my group. Except I had to lose them, and even my present group I will lose them again. I’ve been going through cycles of finding groups I love so fervently and with such a burning passion only to have to lose them. It happened, it’s happening and it will happen again and again.
Every year, every month, every cycle I go through it hurts. It hurts even more when you’re so emotionally invested when these people have become so important to you that you can call them family, and it pains you to think of losing them. And then you do lose them it hurts and pains you even more.
But when you’ve lost someone and have come to terms with it, things start to be okay.
But when you didn’t lose someone but had them taken from you, that betrayal will hurt tenfold and make you bitter. When you have to smile through the lies, hide back the tears and pretend, pretend that you’re okay, pretend you’re not crying behind the veneer of your thinly veiled smile…pretend that it didn’t hurt you at all. That is where true anguish lies.
And it’s happened to me. More than once, by someone who I considered close enough to divulge my secrets to – and then it went and happened and it hurt and stung so much inside but no one knew. When you have conflict between your responsibility and your personal feelings and thinking of either one hurts too much but you have to pull through.
When you’ve given up things you love because you thought someone else would love more – when you sacrifice yourself for others thinking you will be happy when they’re happy. Then you realise it is all a lie.
Self-sacrifice won’t make you happy, it makes you bitter, angry, frustrated and deep down will be the numbing melancholy because no one gives a shit about what you did for them. No one gives back in return. No one repays the favor. Everyone betrays you in the end – everyone makes you choose between them and something else you love. Why must we compromise? Why must we give things up to feel like we belong?
Why must we always give to others before we can receive? I feel like I’ve given so much sometimes and no one gives a fuck and steps all over me instead; they steal my happiness from right in front of me. I smile and pretend it’s okay because that is the right thing to do.
There is all this pain inside of me, all this turmoil and all this conflict, but I don’t want it to define who I am. I am strong – I realise that maybe somehow I am more stable, more strong than I think I am. I have dealt with so much pain (mental and physical) my entire life and yet here I am still somehow complete. I have come to realise that there is no one out there who will understand all I’ve been through except myself. At the very core, you should still be able to depend on yourself.
Make your own decisions. Grab your own happiness and stop thinking your happiness is reliant on others.
Do you have to love yourself in order to be happy? No. I don’t love myself – I see so many flaws, I hate myself so much on so many occasions, I feel worthless and undeserving. I may not love myself but I am becoming comfortable with myself, accepting that I am this flawed person. Acceptance is the first step to loving yourself.
(Actually, Realisation is probably the first step. So Acceptance would be the second.)
Maybe change is the second (third), but we always see these articles and these posts about how you don’t have to change yourself in order to be loved, that the world will love you for who you are.
I have changed myself so many times over the years – not really changed per se but tweaked things here and there and realised how stupid I had been before.
Growing up makes you cynical, the grown-ups always say, and they are right. Because cynicism is your barrier, your coping mechanism against all the bullshit life will throw at you. All these utopian values of how the stars will align, of how your true love will be out there in the end, all the romanticism…it’s all a lie. You shield yourself with cynicism to protect the fragility of your core – protect your innocent childlike wonder because the world will swallow it up like a black hole consumes everything.
When sometimes all you need is someone to throw the cold hard truth in your face for you to wake up and realise your life is not just all downhill. Because when you start to see yourself in someone else’s perspective you start to realise how ugly you really are and that is when you can start to change.
Death is not the answer – it is the coward’s escape. I realise that.
It will take me a while before I understand things better, before I can accept things, before I find my way of living. But I am learning, I am learning the ways of the world, learning how to cope, learning how to survive.