On being lonely

When I came to Japan by myself people kept telling me I was so strong, to be able to do so and not feel lonely or homesick, you’re so strong.

But I’m not, I only pretend to be.

Being lonely is the deep vacuum within, more like a crater with slowly simmering lava that threatens to suddenly bubble over and explode in waves of sadness when I fondly think of times past. Being lonely is coming home to an apartment where you live all alone and the only things to greet you are the four walls around. Being lonely is feeling like you’re the only person to exist in a space even if there are people all around you.

Being lonely is when you’re smiling but deep inside you feel empty. Being lonely is when people around you are smiling and laughing and having a good time and you’re having a good time and then you’re reminded that you’ll go home alone to those four walls and that empty room.

Being lonely is when you create absurd fantasies for yourself and others which don’t come true and you disappoint yourself and you feel emptier than ever.

Being lonely is the feeling that eats you up on the inside, an emotional tiredness that seeps into your core and leaves you exhausted physically.

Being lonely is realising you may have friends but ultimately the only one you can trust is yourself.

Being lonely is the dull ache that resonates with each step as you walk home alone. You have your earphones in and music blaring happy, upbeat tones and yet all you feel is melancholy.

Being lonely is when you’re finally back home or when you’ve found somewhere you think you can call home but you realise it isn’t. When you find the smiles around you are empty, when the words of encouragement are just mere lip service.

Being lonely is when you feel like you need to be fixed, when you can’t be comfortable in your own skin alone. When it feels suffocating to have to think of being alone because you don’t like nor accept yourself.

Being lonely can become a disease and it will eat you alive.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m not lonely anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I really am and can be strong.

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