I’ve always had this fantasy, this hope and wish that I’d always wanted to come true.
I’m back to dreaming to pass through life again – there was a time when dreaming hurt, when thinking hurt because I would unconsciously remind myself of things I’d rather not remember. Memories, sensations, images I’d rather remain locked away until I come to terms with it.
But I’ve started dreaming again.
I’ve always been a dreamer – I can’t deny it. I create elaborate fantasies around and about myself, in this picturesque ideal world where everything is filtered and looks perfect. On the outside, perhaps, but inside we’re hiding the toxins (but no one needs to know).
Today’s fantasy is a re-run. I’ve decorated my laptop with stickers of all the things I love, mainly music and lyrics and some other random stickers. It’s bright orange – it stands out, like I try to with my crazy bright randomly coloured hair and rather (relatively) eccentric fashion sense.
One day I want someone to say “Hey, you like XXX, me too!” and start a conversation. It’s happened before, and now I have a really good friend in her. But I want it to happen more, and that’s how I want you to find me. You, this idealised vision I have for my future, someone that will create this other dimension of happiness for me. I don’t want You to be the source of my happiness – I’ve realised things don’t work that way, they shouldn’t and it took me a long time to realise it.
I don’t know why in my fantasies You always initiate the conversation, perhaps I still don’t have enough courage to say hello on my own. (I should work on it but that is for another post.)
But You take an interest in me, and I am flattered and then a mutual curiousity blossoms, which first starts a friendship but then could potentially lead to something more. You realise it too and by then know me well enough to know I’ve been spurned enough times to be afraid, and You know what to do (or not do).
And then the fantasy continues like it always has – You ask, already knowing my answer is yes. But the best part is that nothing essentially changes. We can still be the same people we always were, except maybe there are less limitations; barriers have been torn down.
The happiness stays the same – we were always happy, even by ourselves we were happy. There was no need to be dependent on each other for happiness, which is probably the most important.
Oh, and You understand me. That too. We understand each other.
Maybe one day.