There is always a stereotype that fangirls are fat, ugly and have no social life. So they spend every waking moment trawling the internet and letting pictures of perfect looking men capture their hearts and send them into fangirl orgasm spasming. Because they have nothing better to do.
Yes, I do fill most of those criteria, but I’d like to think I have a semi-social life. Or at least other things more important and less consuming than being a fangirl. I have school – this thing I drag myself to every day (alright, that is a slight exaggeration, I do love going to school some days) and… I guess, friends who I can hang out with. I’ve always been blogging about how alone I feel here and that is still somewhat true. I don’t have any close friends here as I do back home in Singapore (who I miss terribly), but the ache is less severe now that I’m growing closer to the friends I have made here. I have also made many more new friends through the fandom social circle. Japanese girls, foreigners from all over the world, and we talk about fandom and our lives (what we eat, what we like, English and Japanese) and it’s nice to broaden my social circle through social media means like Twitter and Facebook.
I’ve also started a part time job. I’d like to work more hours because I’m iffy about money problems and don’t want to have to grovel for my mom to send me $$ again. I’m meeting more people and it’s interesting what we talk about at work. They’re all older than me so in some ways I’m being imparted with their knowledge and wisdom from years of experience of living in Japan. (They’ve become cynical, go figure.)
But for the most part, I am that fat, ugly fangirl sitting in front of her computer screen all day long looking at pictures of gorgeous and drop dead handsome (and some really ripped, oh gosh) men on tumblr and twitter and squealing inside. And also waiting till the next time I get to watch them live or meet them (or dreaming to ever meet them once outside a concert or event, y’know in public, aka Every Fangirl’s Dream). But sometimes I wonder what they think, if they like a certain type of fan more than others. Am I uglying up fandom for them?
Maybe I should change, like, for real. Although these are shallow reasons for wanting to change – Aesthetic changes are always shallow, aren’t they? But life and society is shallow. Deep within me lives this horrible, evil, judgmental shallow bitch who groans about how my fats destroy eye balls and render people blind every day.
I will always have these issues, I believe. Perhaps even when I do lose weight – what next? Do I have to lose more?
Sometimes societal norms are bullshit. Why do we have to conform?
Why do we want to conform?
Why do I want to conform?