“Blessed by irony”

“It never seems to end.
It’s such a lonely feeling.
You’re there with open arms fading into silence
The fear of what you’d see when you gaze within me
Bottomed out yet I’m still so afraid of the fall”

I was listening to fade’s Nature of Rain while walking home today, and suddenly when I heard the chorus I wanted to cry. I actually started tearing, then I told myself to stop and at least get home before letting the tears flow. This same cycle repeated itself a few times before I reached home (effectively curbed when I started playing Ace Attorney), and I’ve pretty much been like this for a while.

It mainly started after I was told of Colorgenics, which according to my friend, is extremely accurate. I gave it a try. My initial reaction was “Planet lied to me this isn’t that accurate at all!” which then evolved into “WTF WTF WTF” and I was crying. Instantaneously, for seemingly no reason. And then I realised maybe it is for a reason, after all, just that I am vehemently in denial.

First:
“You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone ‘special’.”
“you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated.” 

I will not deny it, but I always want to be remembered. It’s nice when people remember you, or what you’ve told them about yourself. I don’t expect people to remember every single tiny detail, but it hurts when friends (who you think know you sufficiently well enough) ask you things you’d think they’d remember. (Of course this is also very subjective and I know people are very forgetful – I am, for one – but it is always nice when people remember you.)

“Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren’t working out and you don’t quite know which way to turn.

You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you – that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact – deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can ‘Let your hair down’ and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.”

This is what made me cry, is still making me cry, even as I type this, because I think, deep down I know how true it is. I never realised it but every other few minutes or so, the thought of how bored I am surfaces. I basically trawl the internet everyday, doing the same old boring things and rarely getting much satisfaction from anything at all. And then everything just snowballed into glass-case-emotions and I wanted to curl into a ball and cry about how miserable I am.

It is extremely ironic that Tea told me the other day how strong a friend of mine back in Singapore thinks I am. She cannot imagine how I can survive being in Japan all alone, already homesick even while staying at the hostel in a local university. I remember my flippant reply about how I like it here, and then I read this and I’m starting to wonder. I recall crying, really hard on the plane when I left Singapore to return to Japan. I cried too, the night I first left Singapore for Japan, hiding my tears from everyone at the airport till I was all alone. I’m always hiding my tears, and they always bubble up and overflow when I think about Singapore and how I am all alone here. I think while I may be coping well on the outside, deep down I am not at all okay. I am lonely, miserable, and I wish there was someone who understood me, who can be here for me when I cry and who will like me for the train wreck I am inside instead of the carefree person I pretend to be.

I feel very alone in my university. I do love my circle of friends, who make the days enjoyable and who I can laugh with and talk to about school and being silly. But sometimes I want a comrade in school who actually understands my viewpoint, and who won’t shy away from my “radical” (relatively, if you compare it to their backgrounds) views about the classes and the standards of things. There are a lot of times when I disagree with the teacher that a comment made by a student was “sophisticated” because I know people in Singapore who are way more eloquent and can say the exact same thing in fewer words and in what I would deem a truly sophisticated way with actual proper grammar. Heck, I wanted to pull a face because I think I could have worded it better and I’m nowhere near the cream of the crop in Singapore. So many of my friends could have answered many times more eloquently and with much huger and impressive words (which I think should be the standard vocabulary of university students; not saying mine is any good), so sometimes I get very annoyed that what I consider “average” or the “norm” is considered “sophisticated” here.

I do not have anyone to share these thoughts to, because I believe I will lose all my friends if they did find out. I cannot blame them for not being native English speakers, but I was not expecting this level of English in a course taught entirely in English. Perhaps I must accept this is Japan, not Singapore, but it would be nice to have people understand my frustrations or share my high standards. (I also think my classmates don’t think I’m very smart or that Singaporeans are very smart. One teacher remarked that her Singaporean students study a lot, but if you use me as a yardstick to gauge, it’s barely studying. And yet, hello Dean’s List. An exchange student from Singapore also commented how he had the time of his life here and yet did spectacularly well with minimal effort. So if I am to be considered someone who studies hard, does that mean everyone else in my uni doesn’t do anything at all? I’m starting to get the impression that yes, that is the case. With some people anyway.)

You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can ‘Let your hair down’ and share your hopes, dreams and high standards.”

I’m not eloquent with my words so I never know how to explain what my dreams are. I have not chosen my future career yet. Nothing has been set in stone. All I know is that I want to somehow be a bridge between Singapore and Japan. I’d rather not try for anything that requires political involvement, probably something towards the cultural or media side. I want to meet Japanese people, artists, musicians, and bring them to Singapore. And vice versa. I don’t know how to do it, or if I can, but I want to. At least something along those lines. My dreams have changed so many times over the past few years, but they have all revolved around one main concept: linking Singapore and Japan.

I guess I can say I have a lot of hopes for how I want life to be. My other dreams and aspirations all involve being happy and smiling faces. And things like finding my soulmate (who may or may not be my future husband or whatever) or the perfect concert/live show BFF and small things like that.

Again, this post is deviating from the main focus (all my posts do, anyway) but I think the main gist of it is:

“No one seems to care.”

with emphasis on the “seems” because maybe there really are people here in Japan who care for me but think I am being cold towards them. I really am not, I just need time to warm up or crawl out of my shell. I am very bad at taking the initiative, and it is almost ALWAYS thrust on me because I give off the image that I like to plan things, I like to initiate outings and everyone takes for granted I will coordinate everything. I hate it, but no one notices. I really like following people, but everyone assumes I only like to lead.

I think I need to find a way to get myself out of this shell of depression. This depression that I don’t even realise I’ve sunk into.

EDIT: Saying I am depressed may be a huge overstatement on my part. I may even be giving people the wrong impression of what depression is with this post (not saying anyone even reads this, but still). Reading posts about depression from people who actually have it and have to cope with it on a daily basis, I think my problems are no where near that degree. Necessary disclaimer is necessary.

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